


Anathema III - The Liability of Ones Enemies

by HermitLibrary_Archivist



Series: Anathema [3]
Category: Blake's 7
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-26
Updated: 2008-05-26
Packaged: 2018-04-23 12:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4876570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HermitLibrary_Archivist/pseuds/HermitLibrary_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>by S.L. Koss</p><p>What would happen if things did not go right after Ultraworld?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anathema III - The Liability of Ones Enemies

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Judith and Aralias, the archivists: This story was originally archived at [Hermit.org Blake's 7 Library](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Hermit_Library), which was closed due to maintenance costs and lack of time. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2015. We posted announcements about the move and emailed authors as we imported, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Hermit.org Blake's 7 Library collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hermitlibrary/profile). 
> 
> This work has been backdated to 26th of May 2008, which is the last date the Hermit.org archive was updated, not the date this fic was written. In some cases, fics can be dated more precisely by searching for the zine they were originally published in on [Fanlore](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Main_Page).

**anathema**  (-n²th"-m) _n._ , _pl._ **anathemas**.. **3.**  One that is cursed or damned.   
  


After five days of torture at the Federation's hands just to get his hands on the one who had killed his Anna;  **she**  had stood there and asked him if there were anyone  **else**. Avon still could not believe the circumstances that had brought him to be sitting at his desk in his room, trying to make sense of nonsense. He had repeatedly turned down Cally's offers to treat his wounds.

Everything hurt, but he could not find it in himself to care or even acknowledge the pain. He was left with the realization there was only one person who truly cared about him, who had demonstrated that more than once and  **he** had betrayed  **her.**  The first time they had been together, he had nearly called her a whore. He had insisted to Anna there was no one else. Maybe there wasn't, maybe there couldn't be. In the light of it, it was the one thing he could never allow himself to forgive, though he had done other more heinous things including murdering his lover. Alarayna, had given him two children. She had seen and accepted all the horror that lay within him, all things he had never told Anna. The only conclusions he could come to lead inevitably to one direction, one that had certainly occurred to him before. He did not deserve to live. He wondered obscurely if he ever had. He was the curse which spilled inevitably onto everything he touched. One question remained, how?

Cally continually checked on him, tried to get him to talk to her. The others would try half-heartedly, he knew they were ecstatic by his fall from the lofty heights only the Elite could occupy. The Liberator's medical facilities were excellent and he would have to devise something that would be totally irreversible. Having betrayed Alarayna and his children once, he would certainly do it again. There was no other escape while he breathed, he was caught, doomed to be what he had created.

Several days after making a hasty departure from the Terran systems, the Liberator headed for the outer systems at top speed, outrunning the pursuit ships which followed. Cally stood alone in the medical unit, aside from the unconscious form on the exam table. Orac sat humming obliviously on the counter while she ran another scan. As the results did not show any improvement over prior scans, she picked up the nearest object and threw it across the room.

Angry tears flowed down her face as she sat in the chair beside the table, trying without much success to calm herself. "Orac, why is he not responding?" She asked calmly, not really wanting an answer.

/Must I repeat that I am not a doctor, nor am I programmed as a medical assistant. It is highly probable that if his prior medical history had not been erased from the Federation database, it could have given some useful information. But, that is not the case and I cannot conjecture. You have tried all know methods of resuscitation, clearly there is some past condition which is causing his system to react adversely./

Although she tried to look at the situation rationally, futile anger over came her reasoning and she picked up his hand and, though he could not hear, pleaded with him. "Don't give up on me, you bastard!! Damn you, Avon, I'm not going to let you die over something so stupid! For that  **bitch**!"

It had not been stupid to Avon and she knew that. The only glimpse of emotion she had ever seen registered on his emotionless face had been one she would never forget, one of giving into betrayal. Though unsure, she was certain that betrayal had not started with the woman called Anna. Over the last several days, however, it became clear he intended it to be the last. Withdrawal deeper than even his own standard had continued days more than it should have, without him eating, sleeping or certainly talking to anyone, not even to snipe. Cally had tried over the past few days to keep an eye on him, often stopping by his cabin in the night hours. No matter the time of day, she would always find him the same way, laying on his back staring at the ceiling, usually with the lights off. He never once acknowledged her presence at all and though she would sit in the chair beside the bed, he would remain immobile and silent. Her attempts at conversation on even a basic level were ignored. She had begun to worry in earnest when she came in once to find he had switched off all the enviromentals, heating as well as oxygen recycling. She had left the door open thereafter. Something strange wakened her one night and she went up the hallway to find his cabin empty. Knowing that an appeal over the ship's intercom would go unnoticed, she finally found him passed out in the medical unit. Attempts to revive him had become obviously useless and she had no idea how to proceed.

"Well, is he dead, then?" Vila's voice came from the doorway. Cally did not bother to turn around.

"Will he be all right?" Dayna asked more cordially, pushing Vila aside. "You're just upset he found your stash, Vila, so be quiet."

"He could at least have asked, I would have been happy to have a drink with him." Vila pouted from the doorway.

"Whatever he took from the medical supplies." Cally said quietly, rubbing at stubborn tears. "The alcohol has made it impossible for the treatment machines to remove it from his system. Even Orac has no idea why." She looked at Dayna, still unsure of the young girl's loyalties, but sensing a concern at least as great as her own.

Dayna shook her head. "What else can we do if Orac has no further suggestions?"

Cally got up resolutely, making sure the last of the support equipment was in place. "We need a doctor." She said, resolve hardening with the possibility of a last hope.

Dayna took her arm as she started for the door. "Cally, we are on the other side of the galaxy from Felinas. It would take them days to get here, he can't live on support that long."

Cally picked up Orac and handed it to Dayna. "Try and get them on the communicator at least. Orac can pass the signal around the rim stations to avoid the galactic center interference. I need to at least talk to her, Alarayna should at least know what is happening. I'll be out on the flight deck in a minute."

Dayna walked dejectedly down the flight deck stairs, she spoke to Zen in a voice that nearly quivered. Vila, having followed her in, sat at his console. "Zen, see if you can reach the Felinian systems, Orac has the frequencies if you haven't."

"I do hope you realize if he does not want to wake up, he is going to be even more unbearable than he has been." Tarrant said coolly.

"What do you mean, unbearable?" Vila asked mockingly. "I haven't heard a nasty word out of him for days. If you ask me, he's never been more bearable."

"Just let him die?" Cally asked descending the stairs, still entertaining doubts about the pilot.

"What I mean is, he is an adult, if he wants to die, who are we to decide he has to live?" Tarrant answered defensively. "Besides, if that is what he really wants, I'm sure he can think of more imaginative ways, even take the rest of us with him."

"I'll be sure to tell him how concerned you were when he wakes." Dayna said with disgust.

' **If**  he wakes." Tarrant returned.

/Signal from Felinas Prime is being directed to the main screen./ Zen interrupted.

The crew was anxious as they turned to the image on the screen. Fire-red curls askew, the young woman in the image watched the screen with keen eyes that missed nothing. Between the gracefully upcurved eyebrows was a circular tattoo, showing the symbols of her clan, replacing the black stone she wore when in the presence of her mate. Triangular feline ears stood attentively atop her head. She raised her slitted green eyes to the screen. "I take it he is not enjoying his revenge nearly as much as he thought he would, Cally? What has he done?"

"I'm not sure he's taken something in combination with considerable amounts of alcohol." Cally answered. "I'm uploading the medical information to you now.

Alarayna depressed several button and tapped the screens in front of her, annoyed. She turned behind her. "Kai, can you help me with this?" She asked impatiently.

The very image of his father, Kai Avon came into range of the picture. Aside from the triangular ears and the long thick braid that was his tail, Avon's features had been copied perfectly in him. He deposited the curly-haired child he carried on the table in front of his mother, looking expertly at the equipment she was fussing with. Alarayna frowned as the information came through. "Nasty, at least he knows what he's doing."

"Never start a job unless you are sure you can finish it." Kai said sarcastically. "No wonder it's been so quiet. I actually thought I was going to have a decent night's sleep. Between all the nastiness and the girls crying, my head still aches. Let him have what he wants, mother. It's not as though he would thank you for the concern, more likely he'll curse you for getting emotionally involved." He folded his arms across his chest, leaning impatiently against the wall. He broke into a smile as something beyond the room caught his eye. "He she comes." He reached out his arms to enfold the black curl adorned toddler who came unsteadily up to him, giggling with delight as he buried his face in her stomach.

In opposition to the dark, green-eyed child Kai played with, sitting on the table before her mother was her twin. Golden-eyed with pale red curls, she pointed tentatively at the screen in front of her. "Ama?" She said curiously.

"Video, Alli. That's Cally, Dayna, Vila." She said, pointing to the screen in front of her while the child watched avidly. "And that one is Tarrant."

Intelligent golden eyes studied the image carefully. "Where is Da?"

"Ah, sleeping little one." Alarayna answered, tying back her unruly curls.

"They're beautiful. How old are they now? One?" Cally asked.

"Just." Alarayna answered, making some quick calculations on a pad in front of her. "You do have a regenerator, don't you?" She asked.

"Yes we do." Cally responded. "Orac was unable to give precise settings for it. It advised I get him stable first."

The doctor nodded sympathetically. "Unfortunately, it was correct, but it is impossible to stabilize him at present. I will send you the proper settings, you need to start on fixing the advancing systems failure, you will have to start with his liver, it's the most damaged. Restore his electrolyte balance and run dialysis. It's the best I can suggest, it should work. How much Morphine do you carry?"

"Nearly three thousand units. What makes you think he took Morphine? I have not had time to take inventory and Orac could not identify the subsubstance." Cally responded.

"He's resistant, he could easily have taken that much and it would explain the extent of the damage done, he metabolizes it differently." Alarayna answered knowingly. She looked at Kai and shook her head in disbelief. "I did try to warn him, but he would not listen. That woman has been his destruction since the day he met her, only he did not know how much."

"Well, he sure found out." Tarrant said callously. "How did he come to be Morphine resistant? It's a fairly rare condition among the Alpha, even more so among the Elite."

"Morphine addiction was a popularly used means of interrogation." The young doctor answered with distaste.

"Why would interrogators use Morphine?" Vila asked incredulously. "Its a pain killer, isn't it?"

"Yes, and extremely addictive. It's been an outlawed technique for nearly 30 years." Tarrant answered blithely. "The intention was to addict the person and then use the withdrawal and promise of another fix to get what they wanted, it did not leave as many marks as traditional methods."

"It also leaves an unbelievable tolerance for Morphine which completely negates the medicinal use of it." The doctor replied, shaking her head. "The alcohol just makes it a multi-system problem, he knows very well what he's doing and that I'm the only one who can do anything about it."

Kai deposited Rayvon on the desk beside her sister, folding his arms across his chest and growling softly as his mother busily carried out calculations. "He's testing you, mother. He's run the numbers and they don't balance, he's incapable of understanding emotions. Emotions are chaos and as such cannot be accounted for in probability equations. Face it, he's calculated every angle of this." Kai said bitterly, his dark eyes flaring.

"Don't, Kai." Alarayna said pleaded, running a hand through her hair.

Rayvon studied the video screen in front of her intently, reaching out to trace the figures on it.

"Hi, Rayvon, can you say something?" Dayna asked looking at the darker child inquisitively. Alarayna looked up briefly into the child's eyes and smiled. "She recognizes you remotely. She does not speak, she does not hear. It's a common enough happening among our people. Just don't tell him, please he doesn't need to know."

"Isn't there something you can do?" Cally asked, looking at the tiny child, thick black curls obscuring her human ears.

"It's not necessary." The doctor answered, smiling at the little one's curiosity. "She sends perfectly loudly and much clearer than her sister. On occasion, she can hear what her sister hears if she wants. Her brain lacks the ability process sound, the ears work perfectly. It has nothing to do with her human genetics."

Kai reached over to stroke her cheek gently. "At least she's happy, as far as she is concerned, her world is complete. Besides, it is not as though she would have anything to say that he would want to hear. One equation doesn't work as intended and his response it to kill himself rather than handle it or admit numbers just don't work."

A tall, fair haired man in an impressive fur-lined scarlet cloak approached Kai, growling, the Star Commander. "Enough young one. Your mother and sisters have suffered enough from the echoes of the past few weeks. You do not need to add to it."

Kai turned angrily, drawing a knife. "He left  **us**  behind to pursue his vendetta for  **that bitch**! Do you know what she  **did**?"

"It hardly matters now, young one." Giareth said warningly. Alarayeth looked from one to the other, ears folded flat to her head, tears rolling down her cheeks. She reached for her mother who did her best to ignore the exchange.

Kai sheathed his knife once more, saying emphatically. "My mother needs to understand that what he cannot ignore, he destroys completely without ever considering it again. He cannot ignore this one, he may try, but emotion cannot be ignored it must be felt, ignoring it will only mean he will go completely insane and he knows it."

Giareth growled loudly, snapping the whip he carried for emphasis. "OUT." Reluctantly and without dropping his stance, Kai left.

Alarayna looked up at the Star Commander helplessly. "It gets worse the older he gets, Commander. He's managed to get Alaryeth crying again, I had hoped she would take a nap finally."

The Star Commander reached out for the little one, whose golden eyes met his briefly, she turned to her mother hesitantly. "Go to the Commander, honey." Alarayna said, picking up Rayvon while Giareth reached for Alarayeth, who did not complain, but laid her head meekly on his shoulder. Rayvon watched from her mother's arms with wide and slightly angry green eyes, growling. Alarayna turned her attention back to the screen, having finished entering information into the computer. "Cally, this is the best I can do, I can't guarantee it will work. If it does, he'll need at least three days' sleep with the other injuries he's sustained, it will take that long for his system to reach normal. Run a high protein IV in the meantime and restrain him if you need to, make sure he stays off his feet. You'll need to treat withdrawal for several weeks, finish the course I suggest whether he likes it or not."

"Thanks Alarayna. I'm sorry we had to bother you with this." Cally answered, surveying the incoming information stoically. "Do you want me to let you know how it turns out?"

Alarayna smiled ironically, brushing one of Rayvon's stray black curls from before her eyes. "I'll know, Cally. Believe me, I wish I wouldn't, but I'll know. Let me know if anything else comes up though, I don't mind being of use. Prime out."

Cally had followed the instructions given her, though it took some time for her to see improvement, she was encouraged. She made sure he was secured enough to the table not to roll off in his sleep. He made little effort to do more than sleep for three days. On the third day, he was noticeably more alert. Cally came in to disconnect him from the intravenous and the monitoring equipment. As she pulled the IV from his arm, he looked at her darkly.

Cally said quietly, avoiding the accusation in his eyes gracefully. "Doctor's orders. You should be fine now. I did not bother to lock the med cabinet, but Zen has orders to notify me if it's opened."

"She had no right to interfere, you should not have called her." He said sharply. He asked no questions of Cally or anyone else, the matter was firmly over and he did not speak of any of it again. While his temperament did not improve, he resumed a more normal routine and seemed determined not to be any more annoying than usual.

Cally stood, trying to settle her thoughts in the grey 'sleep room' in the Ultra's facility, her senses coming together slowly and with effort. Avon remained attached to the machine while Dayna and Tarrant argued futilely over the periodic explosions that rocked them. Cally made an effort to concentrate on their conversation over the queasiness she felt.

'It should have worked by now, shouldn't it?" Dayna asked, alarmed.

"I don't see why not, Cally is done. But, he's not a telepath, it might be different." Tarrant answered calmly, trying to take charge of the situation before it got out of hand.

"Tarrant, we can't afford to wait any longer, this place is going to blow!" Dayna said frantically as another explosion rocked the floor beneath them.

"No, we can't." Tarrant answered calmly, reaching up to disconnect Avon's unresponsive form from the machine. "Take the cylinder."

"Are you crazy, Tarrant? We can't take him like this, he's got no brain!" Dayna said, grabbing the crystal cylinder from the machine nevertheless.

"Come on Cally, we have to get out of here, fast!" Tarrant insisted. "We'll all die if we stay here much longer!"

"Maybe Orac can suggest something." Cally said softly, not entirely sure she understood the situation, or anything yet.

They had navigated the corridors to the ship as quickly as they could, pulling the zombie like figure with them and supporting Cally as best they could.

It was a few hours later when everyone, but Avon who remained strapped to a bed in the medical unit, sat around the flight couches. No one dared look at anyone as Orac pronounced emphatically that without the equipment on the now exploded Ultra station, there was nothing they could do to return the contents of Avon's mind to their proper place. They stared ahead, they stared at nothing, no one spoke. It was Zen that interrupted the silence.

/Information. Scanners report a spacial disturbance several thousand spacials in front of Liberator, in the direct flight path. Strategic computers suggest this is a hyper spacial wave and suggest we avoid it./

"Engines to all-stop!" Tarrant sprang from his seat and headed for his console. "Fire the reverse thrusters one quarter. Put it on the main screen."

A wild jumble of light and color appeared on the viewer, eventually turning into a mirror image of the Liberator. It was painted brightly, however with green, silver, black and gold. Several more plasma cannons were evident and it overall looked bigger.

"What the hell is that?" Vila exclaimed fearfully, he jumped up to his station checking his readings.

/The ship identifies itself as Starfire, commanded by Star Commander Giareth./

Cally got up numbly, opening a channel, she said softly. "This is Liberator."

The voice which answered was familiar, yet barely so. "Liberator, please hold position and allow for docking."

"Sure, no problem." Tarrant said sarcastically, throwing the appropriate switches and staring at the screen.

The other ship came around gracefully to stop not far from them, the huge ships facing one another awesomely in space. One of the pod sections opened and a smaller ship emerged and headed for Liberator and they watched, fascinated. Hearing the docking latches deploy, they turned toward the flight deck entrance unsure of who or what to expect.

Kai descended the flight stairs, with a haughty aire and two Felinian Guards following him. Dressed in the typical black Felinian uniform, broken only by the silver hilts of four knifes, two each wrist and two in the top of his boots and the white, silver and black of his clan. He wore a thigh-length cloak lined with a white and black tiger fur. The now 8-year-old was nearly as tall as his father and was coming to resemble him more with time. He turned depthless brown eyes to Tarrant. "You'll excuse the intrusion. Mother does not like the teleport and she does not travel without the girls." He paused shortly as his mother appeared behind him, then two tiny girls, one with black curls, the other golden red, each dressed in vibrant green silk they rushed forward and down the flight deck stairs nearly in unison, giggling gleefully. Kai ignored the intrusion, obviously it was not unexpected. "What's he done now?" He asked, annoyed, failing to get anything but a blank look from Tarrant, he turned to Cally without looking at her. "Well, speak up woman! I hardly crossed half the galaxy just to pass time. I cease to hear him so does mother, but he is not dead."

Alarayna pushed past her son to stand beside a still shaken Cally. "I feel something, but even that is beginning to fade. Show me where he is, please."

The fair-haired twin had stopped beside Kai. "Which is the Captain's console?" She asked curiously.

"There is none, Alli." Kai answered, reaching down to stroke her shoulder length curls. "This vessel was built for exploration, it does not require a Captain."

"Who gives the orders?" The child asked innocently. The top of her mottled silver ears barely reached Kai's hip. She wore a sort cloak lined in the red and gold tiger skin the Felinians called fire tiger, a very rare creature and the symbol of clan Giarnetha.

Kai smiled down at her warmly. "I imagine it presents problems, but the crew are not militarily trained, they dislike being given orders, but they manage."

Rayvon had finished her inspection and stood at the foot of Vila's console, looking up at him in curious silence. He was paying attention to his console and did not notice her, until she took a step closer and a strand of several tiny bells woven into her tail tinkled musically.

As she took another step, Vila looked down at the black-haired child. *Do not be worried. All things work ut as they are meant, grandfather says one's will cannot change what must be.* She sent with a lyrically musical voice which Vila found oddly soothing. Usually he did not appreciate the touch of a telepathic mind on his. *Male Felinian's in sending seek to dominate and over power. This I can do, but I choose not to.* She smiled sweetly and reached her arms up to him. *Which is my father's console?* Vila picked her up gingerly, with a cautious look at Kai who seemed unconcerned. He brought her over to Avon's console and seated her gently at it.

Vila sighed as he looked at the tiny child, dwarfed in her father's seat. "It is shame you cannot hear, little one." He said compassionately, but uselessly, surprised to find her answer as though she had.

*Only fools feel shame for what they lack. I am  **not**  a fool and I have no lack!*

"No offense." Vila muttered.

Alarayna followed Cally quietly to the medical unit. She reached out to touch the silent form on the table, hooked up to various life-support equipment.

"He was fine, breathing and functioning normally until the Ultra station blew up, then he went into failure ane I had to put him on full support." Cally explained. "How did you know?"

Alarayna stared blankly at the crystal cylinder on the table beside the med table and then at the readings on the scanners. "Does it matter?" She asked, feeling helpless. All the readings told her there was nothing there to fix. There was nothing there at all. As a doctor, there was nothing she could do and she disliked immensely feeling helpless, knowing Avon would not want to remain in such a state.

"I'm sorry, Alarayna. No one had any idea of what we should do, but we could not stay on that station, it was unstable, falling apart under our feet." Cally said guiltily.

Numbly, the doctor turned her attention from Avon to Cally. She brought out a portable scanner of her own and took some readings. "You have felt no ill effects?" She asked, attempting professionalism to counter the feelings that welled up in her.

"I was a little queasy for some time. Other than feeling like my brain was scrambled, I don't really feel anything wrong." Cally said, feeling much of her queasiness came from the sight of Avon.

"It's not your fault, Cally." The doctor said compassionately.

Cally looked at her long and hard for a moment, trying to imagine what it must be like to have a telepathic link with someone like Avon. She would from time to time have some small amount of insight into his thoughts, but not very often. "It's funny, you know. He always wants to be left alone and none of us ever have a problem in accommodating him. We just never though something like this could happen, not to Avon, he wouldn't have it." Cally's voice quavered just slightly as she brushed a stray hair fastidiously from his forehead.

"I need a moment alone, if you don't mind." Alarayna said quietly. The readings she was getting were not making any possible sense. She still sensed his presence, though it was without form or its usual edge. Slowly, knowing it could be a mistake and not at all wanting to confirm what she suspected, she reached for his hand. Black she had come to expect from his mind, memories shrouded in darkness, covered in the ashes of the past, burned blacker than night. This, however, was different. Instead of a black that was without light, this was simply nothing. She struggled to ignore the tears streaming down her face as her mind called without hope to his. As a latent telepath, he had no power to block her, but he always responded with barbed walls he surrounded everything in, just as effective as a telepathic block, but there was nothing. Wiping her tears on the back of his hand, she looked suspiciously at the cylinder once more. She though she could hear something coming from it and she reached for it.

Giareth grabbed her hand with more force that she would have expected from him. Felinians did not touch one another, it was unseemly, certainly without permission. "Don't touch that  **thing**!" He warned, growling deeply. "It is a Dolsinar and has great power, an evil creation. I am thankful those who created it are dead. He is there, doctor, but not as you would know him. Static facts and thoughts arranged with purpose . Nothing to resemble a thinking and feeling mind. I fear one would be lost to touch it."

In desperation, Alarayna turned to Kai who had followed the Commander. He reached for his mother instinctively and she wept bitterly against his shoulder. "He's not there, Kai! There's nothing at all, nothing" Shaking furiously, she let go of the hand she was still holding. "Please. Kai not like this, please!"

"Take her to the flight deck, settle her down." Giareth said distantly, considering the puzzle before him. As they left, he sat down contemplatively. To place ones entire self in a vessel was a disgusting thought even to the Commander who was quite used to disgusting thoughts. As long as something served his purposes, he saw no reason not to use it. The one before him he had every right to despise. The thief had taken from his reach the one woman who would have given him the Warrior prince his clan had dreamed of for generations. Without even knowing him, she had given him the greatest gift a woman could to a man, a son. Now, Felinas' heir was a half-human child who, though gifted, could never be what one of his sons would have been. United in their being to the ruling class of Felinians, they would have been both powerful and strong, taking the glory that belonged to their people from the grasp of the humans. The human race had sought to forget the race they themselves had created out of their own DNA and on a whim not caring about the enormity of the power they wielded.

Giareth stared obliquely at the machines keeping the one before him alive in a sense. Doing for him what his body would no longer do. He was not a technician, but he certainly knew enough to kill him. But, there was no glory in that sort of death for either of them. One's honor could only be served in combat, in the spilling of blood.

Absorbed in his thoughts, the Star Commander had not noticed the children come in. Each sat on either side of Avon, Studying him fascinated. He was legally their father, but they had only been in his presence for a short time after their birth. His memories they shared as all Felinian children did, and his pain as well. Though the twins did not share genetics entirely, they were linked together in an unusual way, bonded by the need had for each other, sharing sounds between them, they were very nearly one in thought and action. It would be some years before they realized the difference that lay between them, the very difference which bound them together.

Alarayeth, Alli as her brother had come to call her, watched her sister with concern. The need to shorten one's name was an apparently human custom and Giareth reflected it totally disregarded the second part of her, the only part that would be allowed to be publically shared between them, the only link he was allowed to have to his child. Between them, Kai and his grandfather kept their thoughts separate and it was very rarely that he could get through to her mind. She turned, wide golden eyes to him, looking from the unconscious form to the crystal beside the bed.

"He is not here." She declared emphatically, watching compassionately as her twin stroked his hair gently. Rayvon took one of the roses which she bound nearly every morning into her tail and laid it in his hand. Giareth could hear what she tried to send to him. She was singing, something she did rarely and only for those she liked. It was a fragment of some memory she had gotten from her father, something which she did not understand, but she like it and it soothed her somewhat. She growled lightly as she detected his attention, looking harshly at her sister for support. Though able, she would not send to the Commander, even to voice her displeasure.

"She does not like others to listened to her songs, they are hers." Alli said defiantly.

With effort, Giareth blocked the Rayvon's inner voice, leaving him only the whispering confusion which emanated annoyingly from the crystal. At Alarayeth's obvious consternation, he said gently. I can hardly help hearing, little one, she sends loudly. She need not take offence, I find her singing quite lovely." He reached down to retrieve the rose, handing it back to Rayvon. *It is much more pretty in your hair, little one. He is not capable of knowing it is there.*

Rayvon turned instantly, raking her claws across his palm to put the rose back where she had left it, growling fiercely leaving no doubt it he sought to interfere again, he would have more than superficial scratches, and she was quite able.

Alli looked at him curiously for a moment, taking his hand and pointing to the crystal. "You can hear him, can you not put it right? No one can disobey your orders, Commander."

The Star Commander had desperately wanted a son and still did. Yet, he could not help but be delighted in the child before him and made every effort to look good in her eyes. The qualities he admired so in her mother resided in her as well, indomitable strength and willfulness along with a terrible vulnerability. She possessed in large measure determination and faith, faith he longed to be directed at him, he did not think he could refuse her. Yet, what she suggested meant a deeper link than he had ever achieved and certainly never with a human. "I do not believe he would appreciate my knowing his thoughts on such a level as would be necessary, pretty one. Even your mother cannot reach those depths."

Alli looked back at him suspiciously, her intelligence sparkling in her eyes. "He does  **not**  like  **this**  either. Rayvon feels still how hard he fought the ones who would take his thoughts from him. If you can do nothing, mother shall have to end his life and in that her own."

Giareth looked at the cylinder once more, the thoughts and feelings imprinted into it were loud and treacherous, he could well get lost within them. The attempt would contain an enormous risk to them both. Rayvon reached out to touch his hand softly. *I just want him to hear me sing. Just once, Commander.* She would not plead, but her wide green eyes did enough of that for her. The tears she had fought against so determinedly before her mother broke free to roll down her young cheeks unchecked.

The Star Commander turned to Alarayeth once more, taking her hand, seeking to impress the seriousness of the situation on the 2-year-old. "You must not interfere. Do not touch either of us or the crystal what ever happens. Do not send, do not try to listen. Let no one interfere, certainly not your brother. Do you understand?"

She nodded enthusiastically, taking her sister's hand, they sat together in a chair across the room, watching quietly. Alli wrapped her arms around her sister soothingly.

Giareth looked at the crystal loathingly. He centered himself with effort. This would not only be difficult, he would feel everything, experience all that lay stored within the human's mind, and if it did not work, they would both perish. A strange irony that somehow Giareth knew Avon would appreciate, nevertheless, he reached for the crystal grabbing Avon's hand at the same time.

Alarayna had descended the flight deck stairs, taking a deep breath to clear her thoughts. She was, after all, a professional and was determined to act like one. Though not as effective as she would have liked, it also served to quiet her emotions. She drew strength from Kai as she would have to learn to. Determined not to draw on the presence of the Star Commander whom she could feel distantly. It would not be impossible for her to form a link with him as they shared a child, but she could and would not betray Avon. The steel that was the Commander was forged in mercilessness, in the blood of his brothers' and father. Her son and her mate's steel was forged in despair, just as hard an edge, but capable of understanding and yielding to compassion, at least to acknowledging it if he did not understand it. She sat quietly on the couches, noting the lack of her daughters with relief. The rest of the crew watched from their stations, silently. As she opened her mouth to speak, she was not sure she could say what needed saying, though the steel she had come to rely on would indeed bend, it would not break. "Orac estimates it would take an entire team of technicians nearly six months to duplicate the Ultra's technology. If he were to exist that long on the machines, I would be unable thereafter to establish normal functioning of his organs. Cryonics cannot be used where life support is necessary. There is no guarantee it will work even so and months of physical therapy would be necessary for him to regain mobility. I cannot comment on what it will do to his mind." She took a deep steadying breath, no daring to look at anyone, even Kai. "Obviously he will feel nothing if I discontinue the support mechanisms and I do feel it is the kindest thing I can do." She closed her eyes and sat back.

Dayna, tears rolling down her cheeks, pressed her head against Tarrant shoulder, seeking reassurance. "Oh, Tarrant." She whispered to his shoulder. He patted her head uselessly.

Cally stood silently at her station. She knew how difficult it was for the young doctor to remain calm, she also knew where that strength came from, it was distinctive and she would miss it. Vila muttered to himself something about getting a drink and left quietly to find a place to curl up and do his best to drown.

Kai, who had been restlessly pacing the deck, sat beside his mother, taking her hand. "You needn't do it yourself, I can have Zen turn them off from here."

"No, Kai. I. Need. To hold his hand, he should not be alone. It's only right. Not alone, Kai, never alone no matter what he has said." Tears fell unchecked as she was no longer able to contain them, even his strength was not sufficient, though appreciated.

Kai frowned, wiping her tears futilely, they would not stop, not now, not for a very long time, but he would not hinder them. His own would never be seen. "The girls are with him now, let them have some time." He looked up as Tarsia descended the flight stairs. Though invisible to both visual scan and sensors to the Liberator as well as any Federation ship in the area, the Starfire held it's position just close enough to be hidden by Liberator's power signature. Tarsia saluted calmly. "The Counsel are not pleased with your presence outside the crimson line, Sub Commander."

Kai looked up angrily. "Tell them if they are not happy, I shall fire the lot of them and appoint a new Counsel that is not so insecure in my abilities."

Tarsia smiled slyly. "Very well my Prince. Where is the Star Commander? I believe it would be better taken if it comes from him.

Kai considered for a moment, cocking his head as if listening. "He is. With the girls." A look of concern crossed his face and he got up slowly, taking his mother's hand. Looking into her eyes he said softly. "Sleep." He folded her unceremoniously on the flight couch and bid Tarsia to follow as he headed for the medical unit.

The door to the medical unit stood open and Kai gasped as he looked inside. The Commander held the strange crystal which glowed ominously. Tears screamed down his face as well as Avon's the girls were tightly clasped to one another in the corner.

Alli turned. "The Commander says do no touch." She said authoritatively.

Kai nodded solemnly and looked quizzically at Tarsia. "What if it does not work, Lord Prince?" Tarsia asked quietly.

"Shoot them both." Kai answered without hesitation. He returned to his mother, leaving Tarsia to watch, knowing he would send the girls out of the room if it became necessary. Kai sat quietly beside his mother once more, intending to let her sleep more as she still whimpered in her sleep. He wondered at the rationale of Giareth's potentially fatal gesture. What he could possibly hope to gain and what he himself would have to do if the Star Commander died. The decidedly frightened voice of his sister, Alarayeth, made itself known to him, louder than usual, unfiltered by Giareth. *I asked him to help, Kai. Will he be all right? I sense he feels great pain and distress, but I cannot help him.* Kai mused at how attached Giareth had become to the daughter he had never wanted, had nearly destroyed to make way for him to pursue what he really wanted, a son. His grandfather, Ranyae, discouraged Giareth from having much contact with her, but Giareth made sure that the contact he did have, he made the most of. He often brought her gifts when he had been away, always bringing one for Rayvon as well. He treated them equally though Rayvon made no attempt to hide the fact she hated him and he had many scratches to attest to that fact. Kai smiled to himself, sending. *Do not worry, pretty one, a man's choices cannot be questioned, you know that. His will is his and he must do what he sees fit to. It is not in any way your fault, little one. Settle your sister, she needs you*

As of yet, the girls had no idea that they had different fathers, it did not occur to them to consider such a thing and was indeed quite a rare occurrence. As they grew, however, they would be bound to notice the difference in the parental memories and skills that all Felinian children shared with their parents. Alarayna was determined that when Alarayeth questioned, she would not lie to her, it was a difficult situation for his mother and she hoped acceptance of what they were would not ruin the totally dependent relationship the twins had between them.

In an attempt to reverse the severely declining mood of the crew, Tarrant sought to change the mood. He had managed to calm Dayna down and she sat quiet but distracted at her console. "I see you managed to integrate the Andromedan technology into the Liberator's design. It take it all the modifications were successful? Just what do I call you now anyway?"

"The little Prince I should think." Vila scoffed. "Though he is nearly as tall as his father now."

"Official titles are not necessary, Sub Commander and heir apparent are only meaningful if one is a Felinian citizen, which you are not. Kai is fine. Though the Felinians would like to forget, I grew up in a cave, shunned and called a bastard. I would prefer they never forget that as I never shall." An achingly familiar cold smile cross his face. "My human heritage will bring them more than their adherence to ancient rituals. Clan loyalty can be damned as far as I'm concerned." Putting aside his anger, he turned his attention to his favorite subject, his ship. "The Starfire is the third generation of the my original design plan. Apparently, the specifications need to be exact, and it took us some time to perfect them. We lost the other two completely. Unable to handle the stress of conversion from regular space to hyperspace, they literally disintegrated. The current design has worked so far, though I have not tried to jump more than 20 light years at once. The Alta facility will have ten more by the end of the year."

"It's very impressive." Tarrant said longingly, itching for a test at the controls of the even more advanced ship.

"No one has seen it yet, we only come out of hyperspace for a few seconds, long enough to launch either fighters or freight carriers, then go back again. The interval is so small, scanning equipment dismisses it as anomalous readings."

Oblivious to the meaning of the discussion, Vila interrupted. "You're not going to grow any more are you? You're quite big enough as it is." He said jovially.

"Perhaps." Kai answered casually. "Mother can not determine if my growth hormones are more Felinian or human. Felinians stop growing at 13, I may stop there, or I may add a few more inches when I get to 17 as a human does. It does not matter and I do not care. Giareth has already learned that height is not nearly the advantage he tries to make it seem. My knife has drown his blood far more times then his has mine." Despite himself, Vila shivered as Kai drew one of the knives from his wrist sheath to run his finger lightly across the well-honed blade, leafing a red trail. Vila turned in disgust as the little red-head bounded down the stairs, unruly curls bouncing.

"Ama!" She cried, concern etched on her young face.

"Ama is asleep, little one." Kai said turning to her and sheathing his knife.

"Hardly, Kai." Alarayna said to his surprise. She reached out for the child. "Your concentration has a habit of wandering. If you expect to maintain control, you have to at least pay attention. Now, what is it little one?"

"I think you need to tend the Star Commander." Alarayeth answered, tugging insistently at her mother's hand.

"Whatever for?" Alarayna asked as a look of shear panic crossed Kai's face.

"Where is Tarsia, Alli?" He asked.

"I think he went back to the Starfire." She said, still urging her mother.

"Sit down, little one." Alarayna said sternly. "Tell me what is going on." Catching hold of the flighty little thing, she put her firmly on the couch beside her. She looked up at Kai disapprovingly. "What's going on, Kai? Just why did you not think it necessary to tell me?"

Defensively, Kai answered. "I did not think it would turn out well. What is the Commander doing, pretty one?"

"Staring mostly. He does not look like he feels good." Alli answered with obvious concern.

"I don't imagine he does." Kai said lightly, picking her up and heading for the medical unit. "What's Rayvon doing?" He asked calmly. "Singing to Da." Alli answered blithely.

" **Kai**! What is going on?" Alarayna demanded sharply.

Kai shrugged defensively. "Who am I to argue if he wants to risk his life? Anyway, once it was begun, there was nothing I could have done to stop it."

The doctor got up quickly, snatching Alarayeth into her arms and heading hastily for the medical unit. "You are nearly as bad as the Commander is, do you know that?" She asked Kai.

Kai feigned a pout, following her less urgently. "That was uncalled for."

Avon opened his eyes slowly, having no idea of where he might be. Dim memories of where he had been last refused to make proper

sense. Eventually and through a heavy fog, his mind told him he was in the Liberator's medical suite though he could not remember getting there. A tiny dark-curled child sat on the exam bed next to him. She reached out to gently lift his face and smiled brightly at him. He could hear distant music playing, which grew in strength along with his concentration. "That's Beethoven, isn't it? He asked uncertainly. The child did not respond or indicate she considered the question at all, perhaps she was too young to understand.

"It calms her, she believes it will do the same for you." Giareth said heavily.

Avon looked beside him and recognized Giareth sitting in a chair next to the bed holding a strange cylinder. The way he held it looked as though it burned him, but he seemed fascinated with it at the same time. That fact determined, he realized who the child beside him was and that he had not seen her in nearly two years. "Rayvon?" He asked curiously. She did not respond once again, the music intensified as did his confusion.

"The child does not hear." Giareth said testily. He shifted his gaze briefly and languidly from the cylinder he held. "Your thoughts are more disturbing than I had planned on and I have no idea of the normal structure of the human brain, so if everything is not in the right place, at least it is not longer in here."

Avon looked from the cylinder to the Star Commander suspiciously. "Why would  **you**  do something like that?" He paused, staring intently at the Commander. "For  **me**?"

Infuriated, Giareth stood up abruptly as Alarayna and Kai appeared in the doorway, shadowed by the other crew. He took a deep breath, looking at the child in Alarayna's arms and then back at Avon. " **Not for you**. The child  **asked**  me." His voice grated dangerously, nearly a growl but not quite. He looked at the cylinder once more before throwing it violently to the floor, where it shattered. As he headed for the door, he touched a button on his bracelet and disappeared.

Cally pushed forward and took Avon's hand gratefully. "Are you okay, Avon?"

"I think so." He answered uncertainly as Alli scrambled out of her mother's arms to sit beside him once more. She took his hand and curled her small hand around his thumb and smiled happily.

Avon looked from Cally to the others in the doorway. "What happened?"

Everyone was busy staring at him like an apparition. Avon did not fail to notice Tarrant looked almost disappointed. It was Vila who spoke up. "All I know is I was busy telling Orac riddles, he finally got to like them then he couldn't get enough of them. The rest of them come in dragging you like excess weight and said your everything in your brain was in that crystal thing. It didn't make any sense to me at all."

"Everything?" Avon echoed hollowly, looking at the broken crystal on the floor. "That would explain the headache. Did you intend to tell me my daughter cannot hear?" He asked, changing the subject. Alarayna who had sat in the seat Giareth vacated and was busy running a scan. She looked up at Rayvon only briefly, pain tinged her eyes though she refused it.

Kai folded his arms across his chest imperiously. "I'm sure she intended to tell you one of those times you called to see how we were doing. But, there did not seem to be any of those. You've been too busy keeping yourself far enough out of range." He said bitterly.

"Da is busy." Alli said defensively. "Anytime Rayvon tries to him reach, she says he is busy."

"Yes." Kai said, turning his dark glance disapprovingly to Avon. "Freedom for the downtrodden and all that. How could I forget?" His voice dipped sarcasm of denied anger, barely denied. "I need to get back to the ship before the line starts forming to fight Giareth, I'm bound to lose half my crew. You want to come, Alli?"

Her hand tightened slightly around Avon's thumb and she turned defiantly. "I want to stay. Can't I stay?"

Kai looked at his mother, who nodded. "We can't afford to stay here long." Kai told his mother. "Not that I would not appreciate target practice on Federation ships, but the rest of the fleet is still crewed by mainly cadets with only a few month's training. The time is not right to reveal our capabilities."

Alarayna studied her equipment briefly, indicating some of the Liberators scanners. "I need to get a synaptic scan."

Kai nodded curtly and turned, disappearing instantly.

"I see he managed to get the instant recall system working." Avon commented appreciatively, swinging his feet over the table to get up.

Alarayna placed a hand on his shoulder gently but firmly. "Recall can return them any of four locations on the ship, flight deck, medical unit, Captain's quarters or teleport section. Kai ran all the modifications through the main computers, none of them can be adapted to the Liberator, most of them need to be integrated into the ship as it is being built. Vila, can you bring Orac in here?" She turned seriously to Avon as he sat back, glaring at her. "I really need you to stay still for a while, let me get the scans done. Do you realize how delicate a mechanism the brain is? It would take only a minor inconsistency and your system would start to poison you, release the wrong amount of hormones, anything can happen. Just sit still, question the computer all you would like. I'll let you go as soon as I know it's safe. I can give you something that will make it imperative, but I would rather your brain be normally active so I can take measurements of thought processes as well."

Reluctantly, Avon sat back as the doctor, with Alli's enthusiastic help, attached various electrodes, programming the machines with rarely practiced skill. He had always appreciated her quiet confidence most. She was unassuming and secure in her knowledge. A knowledge Avon realized she would not get to practice much on her home world where women served one and only one purpose. Where a man's mate was referred to in their language as 'the extension of one's arm'. He had saved her from that, or so he thought. There was a quiet and veiled sadness in her eyes, banished only by the joy with which she watched her children. She had explained quietly to Alarayeth where the electrodes belonged and watched with satisfaction as she placed them with perfect accuracy. He took Alarayna's hand quietly and as she raised her eyes to him, he could see clearly the remnants of crying more than a few tears. The onyx that he had given her as a symbol of her status as his 'queryn raya', his mate sat mysteriously on her forehead. It covered the tattooed symbol of her birth clan, the symbols Kai had adopted for his own clan encircled the stone. "I don't suppose you get much opportunity to practice, do you?" He said softly.

She smiled brightly as she looked at the girls. "You'd be surprised how many trees they have fallen out of in the past year. They keep me more than busy, besides, Darien lets me help out on occasion."

Having finished assisting her mother, Alarayeth turned curious golden eyes to her mother. "Why is Kai angry?" She asked innocently.

"All boys his age are angry at one thing or another, that is why they need training to help them channel their energy properly." Giareth commented from the doorway where he had followed Vila in.

Alarayna signed heavily, concentrating harder on her work and not looking at him. "I thought you had gone back to Starfire. You're interfering with my readings."

"Very well." The Star Commander answered in an oddly tired voice. "Is the flight deck far enough? Your son is more than capable of handling things on the Starfire and the crew are aware that I am tired, four of them are waiting in my quarters already. Let the boy take his frustrations out on the crew, he needs the practice."

"It's beneath your rank to fight with cadets is that it?" Alarayna asked derisively. "Alli, go with the Commander to the flight deck and get a third level scan for me. And close those wounds on his hand." She handed her portable scanner to the toddler, who looked back at her reluctantly.

"Come, Alarayeth." Giareth said softly as he turned towards the flight deck. The little one took the scanner, dropping her eyes obediently she followed.

"I really don't need the rest of you to stay around." Alarayna said congenially to the others. She wanted to be alone far more than she was willing to admit. The rest of the crew filed out after the Star Commander and Alarayeth while Rayvon curled up comfortably beside Avon for a nap. He stroked her dark curls absently as she lay her head trustingly against his shoulder. He glanced toward the retreating figure of her twin and said quietly. "She does not know, does she?"

Sighing as she smoothed Rayvon's unruly curls, placing her tail neatly over her shoulder, Alarayna answered. "At her age, it does not occur to her to question such things. You are my mate and thus her father, it will not occur to her for some time why she is different from her twin. In a few more years perhaps it will occur to her to question, not before that. My father and Kai together have kept a secondary link from forming between her and Giareth. Though it exists for him, anytime she explores her own side of it, Kai or her grandfather interrupt it."

Avon looked uncomfortably at the crystal on her forehead once more. The Dolsinar at the base of the onyx was made to enhance and increase telepathic bonding, adhering itself to her skin. Although he was not a telepath, it did allow for a greater link than would normally be possible. He had never been comfortable with the thought that she could be privy to his thoughts, especially since he had no control over it. "How much of my thoughts do you and they have access to?"

Alarayna regarded him soberly. "Kai bears the brunt of most of it and he shields it from me and Rayvon, what he can't hold back, sometimes Giareth will take. Once having formed a link with me, though it is no longer active, he can tap into it when he needs to. He also has access through Alli's link to me. I have access to enough to know where the road you are on leads." She said accusingly, her green eyes sharp.

"Maybe I don't care anymore." Avon said hollowly.

" **Why**?" Alarayna asked, furiously. "Because your Anna is gone?"

"Anna is gone because I  **murdered her**!" He threw back at her angrily. "You and the children should not be here!" He had never asked and no one had a right to intrude into the feelings he was perfectly capable of keeping from others. His fury was tempered only by the fact that as Rayvon whimpered quietly in her sleep, he realized while she could not hear, she could feel his emotions.

Alarayna was every bit as furious when she answered, ears folded back starkly. "Don't worry,  **I**  understand we are not to become emotionally attached, you are in name only my mate and that is how  **you**  want it!" She said, getting up. "They do not need to understand that yet, they adore you and they have every right to that. Just because you have a need to destroy yourself, I shall not encourage them to hate you so that you can feel punished!" She headed for the door resolutely, turning to notice he still stroked Rayvon's curls gently. "Lay still for at least another hour. I'm going to see how Alli is doing. As she opened the door, she turned to fling at him. "If you want to punish her for being your daughter, you had better do it yourself, I shall not participate, nor shall I make is easier for you.!"

"Just don't encourage them to adore a lie, Rayna, please." Avon persisted.

The wave of remembered pain that accompanied the statement gave the doctor cause to temper her anger just slightly. "I am afraid I cannot encourage them to do much, they have inherited a most annoying stubbornness." She paused in the doorway, suddenly reluctant to leave. *Rationality, remember mother. You can never win an argument on emotional terms, he'll not have it. Be rational, otherwise you're wasting energy.* Kai sent almost sadly. Taking a deep breath to steel her resolves, she tried an appeal to ration instead. "Do not waste the time you can spend with her, Kerr. Letting her remember you kindly does not obligate you to care. Perhaps you cannot leave her with happy memories, but you don't have to leave her with bad ones either. I know it serves your sense of justice for them to hate you, but it does no good for her. Insist on the path you are on and she will never get the chance to find out any different. I'm sorry Kerr, I know you never wanted her or Kai, but it is not their fault, don't blame them for their lives. It is a much harder burden to bear than loving a lie." She did not look back as she headed for the flight deck, though if she listened hard, she could hear Rayvon purr calmly.

With the child's purring superimposing itself, Avon listened quietly as Orac attempted to explain the last several hours, including his decision to use Vila's nonsense to jam the logic circuits of the Ultra's computer system. Avon smiled to himself at that. He was sure he would never entirely understand the capriciousness of logic. It did not  **always**  defeat irrationality. Though it had not exactly served him well, he found himself unwilling to abandon it either. He would have to add it to the growing list of things which had let him down when he needed them. This was not at all an unusual concept for him, but he was surprised at how hard it had been to deny something he was in the habit of denying, sleep. His head hurt again just thinking about it, but in the end he could not deny his own resolve had been lacking seriously and that perhaps he had wanted it to. *You might as well condemn yourself for breathing, though you probably do at times. You're just not happy unless your guilty of something.* That was Kai and he was somewhat disconcerted at how easily his thoughts were accessible, and how accurately Kai knew him. Though annoying, there was nothing he could do about it, the child had access to all his thoughts and feelings, it was the Felinian way and made their children mature at an astonishing rate. *The problem is, the longer you continue to deny emotion, the stronger a weapon it is against you and you are totally helpless against it if for no other reason than you refuse to acknowledge it. You feel whether you let yourself admit it or not. Emotion is chaos and chaos cannot be accounted for in equations. It's far easier to live with than to deny you know. Emotion will never make sense to you, so you adhere to the math, but that doesn't work either, especially when you're confronted by emotions, your emotions. You can't make them disappear by adding negatives you will always end up with an unbalanced equation. Live with it, you really have no choice.*

Avon wished futilely that he had the ability to block, he disliked being at the mercy of the telepaths onboard, not even wanting to think about what Giareth had done. He looked down to find Rayvon looking up at him, vibrant green eyes curious. She smiled brightly as she noticed his attention to her. He smiled back at her, wondering distantly how one managed to put the inviting warmth he knew well enough to recognize in other's eyes, but did not believe he know how to generate.

"She is an empath, she knows quite well how you feel, facial expression is immaterial." Alarayna had returned and sat beside him once more, checking the progress of the scan. It was painfully obvious to Avon that commenting on his thoughts and feelings meant nothing to her, though it was entirely outrageous to him.

"Do you read me constantly?" Avon asked testily.

"Only when you send. You are quite unaware of it, I know. You lack the ears to hear yourself, that's all. Like Rayvon. You could be taught to use it more purposefully, but it would take a long time and I realize humans do not like the idea at all." Alarayna said calmly.

"Rayvon should still be able to communicate to non-telepaths." Avon said soberly, running a finger along her useless human ears. "Could she be taught some kind of sign language? There is no reason to assume she will want to spend her entire life among your kind." Avon said, thinking quickly.

"I don't see why not, though she can send perfectly well to non-telepaths. She has learned her own way and she prefers it. She wears nothing on her feet because she is so sensitive to vibration. She says the ship sings to her, she can tell the speed, the heading, all through the feel of the decks. She has decided she wants to be a navigator." She reached over to stroke Rayvon's dark curls affectionately. "You're the one who wanted to be her father in name only. Leave it to me and her grandparents to raise her. I had no idea you wanted any say in how I raise her." Pain registered in the doctor's eyes. Pain for her children and long forbidden pain for herself. It was difficult for her to be here with him knowing the time would short, he would see to it, he would leave no ties behind him. Scorched earth was his favorite policy and she knew he was not ready to change it. As giggling and a rather raucous commotion developed in the corridor outside the medical unit, Alarayna put a hand on Rayvon's shoulder gently indicating the doorway.

Alarayeth trotted up the hallway, delightedly as two small cubs pursued her. Rayvon's face quickly adopted the same expression as she reached out for the white and black stripped cub appreciatively. At Avon's puzzled expression, Alarayna explained.

"Misha and Kitten, they are pets. Giareth spoils the girls horrendously. He would buy them universe if they wanted and they know it. The tigers are meant to act as protectors for the girls when the get bigger, he says at least have a purpose. In less than a year, they'll be over 200 pounds each. They are both females, fiercely loyal, the girls will never be in any danger with them around."

"This is Misha." Alli said proudly. "She's a fire tiger, there are not many of them left. Kitten is a snow tiger, they live in the hills around the palace."

"I see. Avon said dubiously. "Why are they here?"

"The Starfire had to leave to investigate border dispute." Alarayna explained. "They'll be back in a couple of days. It is safer for us not to be on the ship. I wanted to keep an eye on you for a couple of days anyway, there's no telling what effects may present themselves."

Alarayna took the last of the electrodes from Avon, reviewing the scan results critically.

"I thought they could travel instantly from point to point." Avon queried.

"They can, but Kai does not want to overuse the jump engines in Federation territory, they may pick up on the disturbance and it is only an advantage to us if it remains unknown."

"That sounds wise. So you will be staying with us then?" Avon asked lightly, though he was not entirely sure they were safe onboard the Liberator even for a brief time as he never knew when the Federation would catch up to them and he had spent considerable time and effort to make sure Alarayna and the children remained unknown to the Federation. Though, on reflection, Avon could hardly think of Kai as a child any longer. Not only his size, but his skill labeled him more than a child. Orac had briefly described the modifications Kai had successfully made to the Liberator's design to creat the Starfire, a formidable weapon to be sure. Having learned enough from the wreckage of Andromedan ships on his former home on the Felinian planet, Dartine, Kai had managed to perfect, after some amount of failure, a working hyperspace engine. The 'jump engines' made it possible for the ship to pass instantaneously from on point in hyperspace to another, traveling light years in seconds and leaving no visible trail behind them.

"There's an empty room next to yours, I put our things in it." Alarayna said quietly, picking Alli up and letting the cub lick her fingers.

"Things?" Avon queried.

"The cubs drink nearly ten times their weight in milk daily and the girls won't eat anything that comes from a machine. You do have a galley, don't you?"

Avon nodded. "Every now and then, Vila concocts something down there, otherwise we don't use it. There are ration dispensers in all the cabins. Though I've never eaten any of Vila's creations, I understand the facilities are fully stocked, but you can never be sure of where Vila gets his ingredients."

Alli climbed up beside Avon once more. "Do you like cake, Da? We could make you one, frosting and all." She nearly beamed with excitement. Though he tried, Avon found her enthusiasm difficult to ignore. He thought for a moment, turning back to her seriously, but with a light in his eyes that Alarayna noticed immediately and she watched without comment.

"It's been a long time." He said thoughtfully. "What kind?"

Alli looked at Rayvon who smiled excitedly. "Chocolate!" Alli said brightly. The two scampered off gleefully, cubs in tow.

"Are they all right by themselves?" Avon asked.

"They're fine. They will probably make and enormous mess of the galley and themselves, but they know enough to ask for help if they need it. You're done here. I just need to go over the results, though I don't have anything to compare it to, I'll use human standard reactions as a guide. Let me know if you feel anything disturbing or different." She watched silently as he headed off toward the flight deck, taking Orac with him. She was fairly certain he would not tell her if anything bothered him, but it did no harm to ask. She felt reasonably certain his responses would require time to return to normal, though whatever that was for him was certainly debatable, there remained little else she could do but sit back and watch him rush headlong toward his own destruction.

A few hours later, Alarayna sat on the flight deck watching without comment as Avon managed to be busy when he had nothing to do. The remnants of the girls' afternoon project in the galley sat on a table before her, more than half eaten. The girls had been busy investigating everything of interest on the flight deck, occasionally chasing each other raucously. At present, Rayvon sat comfortably in her father's arms, watching him silently. Her cub, Kitten slept peacefully at Avon's feet. He went about what he was doing diligently ignoring the child draped over him. Eventually he turned to Alarayna. "Can she read, Rayna?" He asked.

"Sure." She answered. "Some words that represent concepts she is not familiar with because our language does not give them words, but she can usually figure it out." Alli sat, peacefully for the first time in hours, beside her mother, feeding her cub.

"Alli, come here." Avon said quietly, making various adjustments to his console. Alli gave the bottle to her mother and climbed down eagerly. She stood expectantly next to him as he set Rayvon down next to her and indicated the screen on his console. "You both might as well learn at the same time. As the two watched the screen expectantly, he explained. "There are literally hundreds of varieties of sign language used across the galaxy. There are even some cultures who never speak at all. I had Orac compile five of the most used human versions. The computer will display a word and then the sign." The girls watched avidly, increasing the speed to where Avon found it difficult to follow himself, but they were delighted.

Long after everyone else had departed to sleep, Avon remained on the flight deck, sometimes pacing, sometimes sitting on the flight couches staring off into space. Though tired, he knew he did not want to sleep if for no other reason than to prove to himself he could deny it if he wanted. Kai's anger reverberated through is mind constantly. The boy had every right, his life had seldom been kind to him. There remained nothing Avon could have done to make it easier even if he had wanted to, even if he had known. Still, it seemed to him a poor excuse and one he himself would not accept. He had thought long ago, nine perhaps nearly ten years ago, that he could protect the life he had made for himself despite his father's wishes. He had thought he could protect Anna. How could he ever have been  **so**  wrong? It made no sense to him. He had been careful, he always told himself, to never love her, to take from her what he wanted and needed and leave it at that. He had, hadn't he? He got up to pace once more.

The facts refused to back him up and of one thing he could always be sure, facts never lied, only emotions did. Had it been a fact that as she lay dying in his arms, she burned straight through to his soul? No, he knew for a fact he had no soul, many had told him that and he had never seen evidence of such a thing. The fact was, he had returned to his life intact, nothing was missing, nothing was burned, no pieces were missing. Aside from the difficulty he had had in convincing himself there was no blood on his hands and her ghost did not roam the corridors of Liberator, he was fine. He certainly functioned normally and could not and would not allow an alien woman and  **her**  children get in the way of his perfectly rational plans, no matter where they lead him to and especially if they led to the final ending of all this mess. He had named the virus which he let loose on the Cartel computers 'anathema' and he could afford to see himself as nothing more, nothing less than its quintessence. With resolve and confidence that the numbers made perfect sense, he headed for his quarters, stopping briefly in the medical unit on his way. The light from the corridor as he opened the door illuminated enough of the room for him to notice Alarayna sitting quietly on his bed. He sighed to himself. Though it was not a surprise entirely, it gave him pause as he keyed the lights on and sat resolutely at his desk, back to her.

"I thought you intended to stay with the girls." He said curtly, tinkering with the first thing to catch his attention.

"Rayvon won't go to sleep until she had learned the entire language you came up with, and Alli is angry with her. Having made her displeasure known, Alli is already asleep and I doubt Rayvon will take long to follow. It really is best to leave them to their own devices. I did not think you would mind. We have had so little opportunity to spend time together."

"If you want something, just tell me." He grated.

"I have no ulterior motives. You're the one taking precautions. You fully expected I would be here."

"I dislike surprises." He countered briskly. Certainly, he thought, she understood how dangerous it was for her to be here, asking him personal questions, pretending to be casual when her very presence cut him to ribbons. He tried without much success to ignore the pounding of his pulse and resolved if he did not look at her, she could not tell.

"Is that why you feel so cheated in not being able to communicate with her?" Alarayna hissed. "She has no idea there is anything wrong with her, anything missing. She is perfectly happy. But you will not feel complete until you have made it clear to her that she is a mistake. It never occurred to me that you had skipped the classes on basic anatomy to attend a math lecture! I find it difficult to regret her existence because you did not have time to properly figure all the angles first! That you had not taken the time necessary to consider your actions  **and**  their consequences. You had no reason to think I could not get pregnant again. Meanwhile it does not bother you in the least to add her to your over exercised list of things which you are guilty of and need punishing for. Would it really have served your sense of justice to kill yourself? And why the Morphine? What were you doing really, just tell me, or can you not admit it to yourself?"

Avon massaged his temples in agitation. It had taken great effort to put all that behind him and he adamantly did not want the ashes stirred. "Could I have made it more clear? Of course I knew perfectly well that no one else could have gotten information on the Morphine addiction. I made sure myself those records were unretrievable. You knew perfectly well I did not expect it to be reversed. Cally would not have been able to do it herself, the computers could be of no help without record of the addiction."

"Why would you want to do that to Cally? Do you really care so little that you can convince yourself no one else does?" Alarayna asked incredulously. "What has she ever done to you? I realize your universe contains only you, but the rest of us out have a right to care about you. You don't get to tell the rest of us how to feel. No me, not those girls, not even your son." She got up to pace the small unadorned room in agitation. "Are you so stupid that I have to tell you? It took Cally days to erect walls to keep out the pain you were broadcasting, she felt so helpless the whole time, she was not about to let you die! You knew perfectly well she would have no choice but to call me. Did you feel it was necessary to test how much I cared even after you have tried everything you could to hurt me?" She sat back down furiously glaring at him.

Angry, Avon turned away from his desk determined to put an end to the annoying conversation. " **I never asked you or anyone else to care**!" He got up abruptly, grabbing both her wrists, he pinned her hands to the wall, effectively rendering useless her only defense, her claws. "You're not stupid! You know enough to be afraid of him, he only wanted children from you." He paused, staring at her face as if searching for answers to questions he dared not pose. His eyes hardened by the second to perfect and impenetrable ice. "Do you have any idea how easy it was to kill her? What's worse, Rayna? That I hurt you or that I kill you?" He threw her back against the bed and headed for the door. He stopped before he keyed the door to add. "You must understand, it makes absolutely no difference to me! Go back to your girls. Tell Rayvon think she is absolutely perfect. Leave before I kill all of you." The warring of emotion was clear on his face as well as his determination not to let it show. "Please."

The brief and fleeting look he had given her before closing the door behind him pleaded with her to believe in his sincerity and in spite of herself, she did. After a moment staring without seeing the door, she collapsed into a heap on the bed, crying. For the first time in her life she was terrified, for herself, for her children, for their future. Nine years ago she had been determined a man she had never met and probably would never meet, deserved a legacy, a son. Knowing nothing but that the Federation had conspired to strip him of his dignity, she had done the best she could to restore it. She could not afford to forget he was much more of a danger to her than the Star Commander could ever be, for she loved him. Giareth had warned her that she could not help him, that the pain and hurt lay far too deep for anyone ever to reach them, for him to ever let anyone try.

The pain she was quite used to seeing in his eyes, that followed him in joy or sorrow, was an old one and she knew it. It was the pain and betrayal of an 8-year-old child forced to give up his dreams, forced to concede to what he never would again, vulnerability. His entire life had been devoted to making sure he was never vulnerable again, building walls, destroying threats, setting fire to everything until he was totally alone atop a scorched hill of regret, safe. Anna had managed to show him what he did not want to admit, that he had no choice but to be alone. Unfortunately, being alone on the mountain he was only safe as long as he did not reach for anyone, let no one near. He had unwittingly perhaps become what he had hated more than anything, the person he had first seen in his father's cold blue eyes, alone and only in that aloneness powerful, just powerful enough to keep him safe. No regrets, no pain, no joy, his only safe path was to reject them and reject them totally. The only way to be safe from vulnerability was to reject love, reject trust, never trust, fear trust. There was no room for anything else to fill the void left but he would have it no other way, he  **could**  not.

It was quite a while before Alarayna realized she was not alone. She did not remember when he had returned, but he sat now on the bed next to her, holding her tightly.

"Are you quite finished?" He asked her none too gently.

She dried her face, confused. The ever-present gun was not, it was coiled non-threateningly but within reach on the desk across the room. He wore only a nightshirt. His expression told her he hid something and that he had help. Alone on the flight deck for the last hour, he had had a conversation with the Star Commander. She was not to know of it, neither were the girls. He had recently come across a passage in Felinian history which suggested the reason a Felinian never had two mates was that when one died, the other followed their death, drawn inexorable by the link they had shared enhanced by the Dolsinar. He had never put much credence in what he believed was custom, but had quite against his intention, become more impressed with the power the crystal wielded, especially for a telepathic mind. After some discussion, Avon had managed to get Giareth to concede that if necessary, the Star Commander could take over the link Avon now shared with Alarayna if he were dead or captured. That was all he had wanted to know and would work out the details with Orac. His son's voice had been clear and full of fury, making it difficult to ignore. *You would treat her like property and transfer ownership like you would a possession? You would betray her?* The strength of the thought as well as the emotion continued to echo through Avon's mind, though he did his best to ignore it.

Wiping her wet face stubbornly, she said dangerously. "I thought you intended to come back and kill me."

"I did, but then I decided to give you a chance." He said lecherously, wrapping his arms around her more suggestively.

"A chance to do what?" She asked innocently, running her fingers through the hair at the back of his neck.

"Please me." He said, perfectly rational, pushing her into the pillows.

"Just like that?" She asked playfully, turning her head stubbornly as he tried to kiss her.

"I can still kill you later." He said, grinning fiendishly, working on unfastening her clothing.

"No doubt without any regrets. Do you know how charming you are when you are threatening?" She asked, sighing as he ran his hand across her bare back.

"Yes, and it is purely intentional. Servalan seems to appreciate it." He said lightly, fighting his way her to her lips. He kissed her briefly, turning to her seriously. "I forget entirely how beautiful you are." He went on perfectly rationally. "It's necessary of course, but it does not prevent me from remembering our better moments."

She smiled gently against his shoulder, pushing his shirt delicately over his shoulders. Though she was certainly not quiet thereafter, she had certainly lost coherence and it took rather longer for Avon than she thought possible in his current state of near exhaustion to reach that point himself and only thereafter giving in to sleep.

As the crew took their positions in the morning, no one sensibly commented on Avon's absence. Near midday, Vila made his way to Cally's side, speaking conspiratorially. "Maybe you should think of a reason to get him out here."

Cally looked at him disparagingly. "What for, Vila? Let him . . . rest."

"Resting is fine." Vila retorted. "We just don't need for him to go repopulating the galaxy again."

"Don't be silly, Vila." Cally admonished quietly. "He took a contraceptive."

"There's a relief." Vila returned. "Sometimes I think he so caught up in the fact he can still do it at his age, that he doesn't think."

"Still do what, Vila?" Avon asked benignly, hiding a smile as he strolled casually to his console, fixing Vila with a superficially icy stare.

Returning to his console sufficiently warned, Vila thought quickly. "Tarrant's cutting wisdom teeth again, you know how cranky he gets."

Avon smiled knowingly, leaning back into Alarayna's hands as she rubbed his shoulders gently. "You're full of knots." She said, teasing.

"Yes, well. Tarrant has cut more than six wisdom teeth since he's been here. Aside from the fact he should be imminently wiser than he is, I think there is something wrong with him. Maybe you should take him down to the medical unit and give him a thorough exam." Avon said lightly, watching Vila's expression change predictably.

Alarayna looked up at Tarrant briefly, with a playful smile. "Maybe later, I don't think it's life threatening after all."

/Information. A signal is coming through from Felinas./

"Put it through Zen." Avon said quickly. "That did not take long."

"You jump in, destroy a few raider ships and then jump back out again, how long can that take?" Alarayna commented lightly. "As it is, I think Kai gave you more time, so you could rest up properly."

"Liberator, this is Starfire, please rendezvous at the following coordinates in approximately 7.8 hours, confirm." Came the disembodied voice.

"Confirm that." Avon said after checking several readouts. "Starfire, we are changing course." Avon looked back at Alarayna, mildly annoyed he would not get to spend another night in her arms. She looked at him and smiled slyly.

"You could always give me a job as your physician since your ship lacks one." Before he could respond, she turned to Cally. "Cally, I need to get a few more tests before I leave, it shouldn't take long. I'll expect you in a couple of hours." She said, kissing Avon's cheek lightly. She followed his attention to the girls, who were gathered at Vila's console, giggling raucously as he performed various tricks with a piece of colored glass. She folded her arms across her chest, agitation showing in her voice. "She  **does** have a larynx. She could learn to speak if she wished, but she does not, she  **prefers**  to be as she is, it makes her an individual and she is very attached to it."

"As she should be." Avon replied defensively, warning her silently not to read him any further. "Still, it will not hurt for her to have options."

Cally followed the young doctor out towards the medical unit without comment, noting however the very subtle change in her temperament. Alarayna ran a nervous hand through her fire-red curls as she walked straight away into the medical unit, setting up the scanning machines almost too automatically. Stress and fatigue were etched into every movement, eventually Cally reached out to take her hand gently. "There's no hurry. You do realize he cannot even consider the idea."

Alarayna looked at Cally sharply, infantismally increasing activity. "That his daughter is in his eyes less than perfect? I realize that very clearly, his thoughts make it abundantly clear." She sat down resolutely in the chair beside the bed as the computer ran the requested scans.

Smiling sympathetically, Cally regarded the other woman critically. The doctor had misunderstood the bend of her observation, but the very reason for that misunderstanding lay in her concern for her daughter. "It is never easy to feel powerless, particularly for him. I meant he cannot consider you staying here. It is at once incredibly risky and appealing, things he cannot give into easily."

"Hardly." Alarayna said, slight bitterness tinging her voice. "I must admit I do find it difficult sometimes not to prick his emotions just enough so that I know there are there and so that they will convince him if only momentarily of the futility of his calculations." She smiled brightly, though disappointment lay in her eyes as well. "The faster his defenses come up, the more raw the nerve. It's a reflex he cannot control. It bothers him immensely and he has a way of making you pay for it."

"I can imagine." Cally said sympathetically. "He does quite enough of that without even thinking. I do believe he is better when you're around, though."

"It would not last long, I'm to apt to tell him things that he does not want to hear, least of all admit to. The twins are like that, most children are, they have no thought of guile, eventually we would drive him nuts."

Tiring of Vila's magic tricks that were not nearly as amusing when one could see the slight of hand, Alli stared across the deck at Avon. She watched quietly every movement, intentional and unintentional. She became fascinated with the precision and consideration he gave everything he did. She did not understand him very well, though her mind told her she should. When she watched her mother work, it was as if a part of her was doing the work and she knew instantly the reasons for each move. She did not feel this looking at him, though Rayvon did. She realized almost with wanting to that the great warring that she felt just beneath the surface of Kai's thoughts came from a war entirely of his making and that it controlled him nearly as much as rational thought did. Silently, she made her way to his console, sitting unobtrusively on a step, head resting on her hands. Her mother had told her when something did not make sense, one should study it closer. She was quiet and unpretentious as was fitting for a female, this she knew without knowing it and yet what occupied Avon she did not know, so she studied closer.

Avon did his best to ignore the presence of the twins on the flight deck, though their enthusiasm and boisterousness made it decidedly difficult. It became impossible once one twin decided to sit beside him, watching with astute golden eyes. It may have been possible to ignore her if the small fire tiger which followed her everywhere were not purring loudly and occasionally gnawing on his boot. The periphery of his attention told him the rest of the crew were just as interested in the scene, no doubt enjoying Avon's discomfort immensely. Knowing a Felinian female would not dare to speak without permission, especially a child, he shifted his attention to her briefly for the purpose of finding out what she wanted and letting her get back to play. "What is it, Alarayeth?"

At the sound of his voice, she smiled brightly, immediately and to Avon's consternation, reached up for him. Realizing everyone was watching him and after all he would get all this over with quicker if he patronized her. He reached down gingerly for the little child. She wrapped her arms about his neck and her legs securely around his waist. She looked curiously at his console. "What are you doing?" She asked him innocently, fully expecting an answer she would understand.

Shifting his weight so that the added mass, though small, did not impact his back undesirably, Avon answered flatly, somewhat put-out. "It's fairly complicated and not nearly as interesting as Vila's magic."

Bored, Alarayeth stared across the deck at her sister. " **She's**  just being polite." Vila was unwittingly becoming quite accustomed to Rayvon's sign language and had quickly learned the difference between  _"Do it again."_ and " _I want more."_  When they had first descended on him, she had made sure she sent as well as sighed, but she no longer bothered as it was not necessary and she was thoroughly delighted when Vila adopted her signs to 'speak' to her using her signs. Alarayeth signed, "It is not nearly as good when you can see his hands move. Your mind does not see it because your mind is not good at doing two things at once, we do not think as you do."

"I see." Avon answered, uncertain what the child wanted, but knowing the sooner he found out and gave it to her, she would no longer intrude on his personal space in this way, although the crew was finding it fascinating. Unsure of what a Felinian child's intelligence was at her age, but being reasonably sure it was higher than a human child of two, he explained to her what he was doing. "I'm reprogramming a sub-routine. It's mostly a lot of math, tedious but it has to be done. You do get lesson in math, don't you?"

"Rayvon is learning these things from Kai. She believes numbers are like the notes she sings and equations are a great symphony they play, but they have no place in a woman's life."

Avon looked at her in tempered surprise. "Very few people look at it that way, but it makes it easier if you do." Alarayeth squirmed uncomfortably in his arms. Her bright smile had faded and she fixed her gaze on the floor, somehow Avon knew she teetered on the fine line of tears and their denial. "Why does this trouble you?" He asked her gently, sensing a great deal of emotion behind what seemed a trivial matter to him.

Not raising her eyes and burying her golden curls against his shoulder, she said as if to voice it made it true and she did not want it to be true. "Kai and Rayvon, they both have this understanding, they have dark hair when our people do not, they get this from their human side. I do not. Why?" It was nearly a threat and Avon could detect quite clearly the anger behind it. They had lied to her and she had put them aside and come to him to see if he would do the same.

Resting his head against her soft golden curls, Avon took a deep breath. When the children were born and he had agreed to make them both legally his, he and Alarayna had agreed when the time came and she questioned, that they would not lie to her. This was a topic that still made him nevous as did the Giarnethan features of the girl and he was determined not to add to the angst created by well-meaning misunderstandings. As much as it was his ability, he looked at her kindly. "What they have that makes them human you do not have, that part of you makes you Giarnethan." It was the simplest way he could think of to tell her what she obviously already guessed at and thought it made her different in a bad way. "Does it make a difference?"

Suddenly and without warning, her smile returned and she squeezed his neck appreciatively. "I know that, but they don't know I do." She said excited, almost guardedly. "That part of me which is Giarnethan can read anybody, anybody, it comes to me even when I don't try." Her smile brightened. "I knew he could save you, but he was reluctant, the crystal had much power and could have taken him as well. He knew if there was a chance that he could help and he did not, that I would think less of him and he does not like it when I am displeased with him. I helped as much as I could, so did Kai. I am not supposed to be able to read the Commander."

Avon stared at the bright youngster in his arms. He did not understand what would motivate the young one to do something like that for him. She barely knew him, certainly from personal experience. He had spent little more than an hour with the twins following their birth and that was to monitor the medical systems until Alarayna was strong enough to attend to herself, neither child had cause or experience to know what he was like, certainly not enough to care. He was mildly surprised to find the mind which spoke to him then was Rayvon's and not Alarayeth's. Lyrical and totally incongruously a part of his own thoughts, she spoke soothingly. *We do love you even if our only knowledge is what we carry in our memories. I remember when you held me after I was born, Alli remembers too though it makes her sad. Mother would not have been right if she had had to let you die. We knew that. We knew that the Star Commander could have made her survive anyway, but she would not be the same for a part of her would have been missing.* Though Avon had been fascinated at the time when the girls were born, they had been tiny but needy creatures and he had denied himself emotion for that time was not to continue. He knew the road he had set himself on and it was dark and cold, not alive and vibrant as the children were. He resolved not to try to understand the children and concentrate on making sure his own curse did not taint their lives. Bringing his thoughts, and more importantly, his feelings under control, he found himself looking into the emerald green eyes of Rayvon. For a moment he could see her crying, alone in a garden, jet black tresses wet with tears.

" _The Giarnetha see the future._ " She signed silently and slowly as Avon struggled to remember the signs she was using. " _We are happy with what is now and do not need the other._ " She looked sharply at her twin who turned dutifully to Avon and stared to translate for Rayvon.

"She says . . ." Alarayeth started, stopping quickly as Rayvon growled loudly and slapped her hand to get her attention.

"Now girls, don't fight." Dayna said nonchalantly, confirming Avon's suspicion that he was the main attraction in the room at present. Alarayeth slid down, turning her back to her sister, she went back to Vila's console, the fire tiger cub trailing her. Rayvon was more than happy to take her place. She watched Avon winsomely for a while and when his attention was focused on her for a moment, she signed. " _I do not want to leave. I want to stay with you._ " She pressed her head insistently into his shoulder. Avon took a moment to recall the proper signs before responding simply.

" _You can't, it's dangerous here._ "

" _Is it dangerous for you?_ " She fired back, watching him intently.

" _I can take care of myself._ " He answered.

" _Would you let us stay if you could?_ " She persisted.

" _I . . . Don't know. I want you to be safe and your grandfather's home is more comfortable than it is here. You have your gardens to play in and your grandfather and Kai to protect you. That's what I want for you, to be safe and happy._ "

Rayvon thought about this for a moment. She looked up at him briefly stroking the line of his jaw. Though he would never admit it, Avon found himself wishing he could freeze the moment in time and take it out again in the dark times to come. *You can.* Rayvon sent unexpectedly. *If you call to me, in your mind, I will come to you. Do not seek to be alone, we are your strength just as you are ours, we will each give whatever you need.* She smiled sweetly and lay her head on his shoulder. Unfortunately, Avon was certain it would be a moment he would find hard to forget, though he would because he must.

When Alarayna called to say she was ready for him in the medical unit, he placed Rayvon down gently and walked briskly through the empty corridors. With each step, he struggled mightily to burry and distance himself from what he was feeling, more determined than ever to stay a more healthy distance from the twins. His twins, what an absurd thought, they were Alarayna's twin and no one else's. If his name kept the Star Commander from ruling their lives, at least it did something good. In the Federation, his name would only bring them all exile on a penal colony, the sentence reserved for families of convicted felons, not to mention those tracked endlessly across the galaxy. It was a dark job and thankless, but one he was infinitely good at.

Avon sat amicably on the exam table while Alarayna ran scans, Cally looked on without comment. While the scans ran without event, the doctor watched the information, not expecting any anomalies as Cally had had none. As the toxicology screen turned up a drug in his system, the words, "What did you take?", died prematurely on her lips as the name scrolled onto the screen. Avon looked over at the readout nonchalantly.

"It's a contraceptive." He looked up benignly, unable to decipher the meaning of her shock. "Isn't' it?" But her eyes and her thoughts for once were shuttered tightly against him.

"You could have told me." She grated, shutting down the equipment. Cally stepped back diplomatically, sensing trouble.

"I did not think it would make a difference." Avon said calmly, totally unprepared for her emotional outburst. He reached for her shoulder, it was the first time he had heard her growl. "As long as you got what you wanted is that it?" She asked bitterly. He was utterly surprised by her strength as she slapped he soundly across the face.

Her stance as she stood back a pace from the table told him if he repeated the incident, her claws would not remain sheathed. Her green eyes were full of fire as she said to him in as controlled a voice as she found possible, a near hiss at the edge. "Why is it you find it so necessary to believe everyone has ulterior motives in whatever they do or say? Just because you do, doesn't mean everyone else does! To think I actually thought you could be honest with your feelings in one tiny area! Lust is as honest as it gets with you, isn't it?" She stormed determinedly for the doorway, turning as she opened the door. "Honestly, I don't know which of you is worse, at least Giareth was forthcoming with what he expected! I would not have turned you away just because you did not want a child! Just because Anna was a whore does not mean you can treat me like one!"

Disconcerted, Avon watched silently as she headed down the corridor towards the cabins. "Are you okay?" Cally asked meekly, stifling a smile. Her answer, as she expected was a warning glare as he got off the table and went off in the same direction. Cally reflected that Alarayna had been a little too correct in assuming they would clash if together for long. Cally shrugged, turning off the rest of the equipment, she still thought he was more evenly tempered with the doctor around. The young woman obviously loved him, though he was continually cruel to her. She was in a position to understand the origins of the dark pain in his eyes, though she was just as helpless to do anything about it as he was.

Pausing in the doorway for a moment to consider, Avon leaned against the wall and looked into the room where the children had stayed cautiously. Alarayna was busy picking up their things and stuffing them into the travel cases they had brought. She knew he was there, she felt him every bit as intensely as he felt her, perhaps more. She would not look at him, her eyes were full of tears. Having decided she was not about to throw anything at him, he came into the room and sat on the bed, closing the door behind him. After a few moments of furious packing and without looking at him, she said angrily.

"We'll be out of your way soon enough, don't worry."

"You misunderstand, Rayna." Avon said quietly, taking her hand bravely and finding she did not pull away from him. She sat beside him instead, tears running down her face.

"I did not mean to trap you." Alarayna said tearfully. "To force you into something you did not want. I did not truly think I would ever see you again. I must admit, I enjoy her, she has so much of you in her, but without that which made you turn on your own life. She is pure and untainted determination, strong and undetectable in her silence even. There is not a force she would not gladly take on and be absolutely certain she could win." Despite the tears, her face showed the pride she felt. She allowed Avon to put his arms around her.

"Is that how you see me?" He asked gently. "A lot of that is your part in her."

"Some, they compliment each other. Kai inherited your angst only it seems sometimes, but he is at a difficult age. When he becomes confident in his life, he will be different, it makes the struggle harder but more worthwhile. He is the heir my father deserves."

Avon tightened his hold about her thin frame just slightly. "I am perfectly satisfied with them, Rayna, both of them. Even all of them I think. It would not be nearly so hard if Alli did not look so entirely like him, but she is extraordinary in her own way. You must understand that there are things in my life that have to change before I can be responsible for more children. I need to be free, I need to be safe. When that happens, I want to have children because I want them, because I feel I have something to share with them."

"But you did not think such a time will come." She said looking at him intuitively.

"No, I don't." He answered heavily. "The lifestyle I live makes it impossible. As long as you and the children are safe, I can live with the consequences of the choices I have made. The Federation, most importantly Servalan, can not afford to forget the threat I pose them. Even without Blake's plan to liberate the masses, the fact that I am alive eats at her. I can live with what they will do when they catch up with me, it is inevitable. It must never touch you, just remember that."

Alarayna looked back at him, knowing he always planned for everything and not at all sure she would appreciate what he had planned to keep her safe, but certain she would not be able to change his mind on it. She settled back into his arms, savoring what was an all to infrequent closeness, she whispered softly. "Stay for a while" He held her, quietly stroking her curls almost reluctantly. She purred contentedly, knowing while he enjoyed her presence, he would not allow himself to enjoy it too much lest it be difficult to forget her presence when she was gone.

As Avon held her closely, reminding himself this was not to last, the inevitable voices of the past reminded him of his betrayal. "Rayna?" He said softly, trying without much success to hide the guilt he felt for he knew she could feel it. "I did not try to kill myself because of Anna. I. . . I think I knew that while Cally could not find a way to revive me, the back of my mind told me I could rely on you."

To his surprise, she smiled. "As I thought, it was a test. I take it I passed. Was it so difficult to admit to yourself that you needed to know? You could have asked me. While I cannot due to distance always understand what you go through, your feelings tend to come through very strongly, even Kai cannot filter them out entirely. You did not betray me. I have no place in your life. I have had to accept that, it is not only physical distance which separates us. I never expected you to invest emotion in our relationship. As long as I can be of occasional convenience to you, I expect no more. I know that once we are gone, you cannot afford to think of us. You have probably already begun to distance yourself emotionally. I understand completely how you operate, you know that."

"I know, but you don't have to like it."

"I did not say I did, but I have little choice in the matter. Felinian woman are taught to accept that. We do not have mates for companionship, we cannot afford to take intimacy lightly, it plays an important role in our society. In the beginning it was necessary to increase our population and it has grown into a habit we are used to. Sex to us is procreation, not recreation. It is not the same for your people. I do my best to remember that, but it does take effort." She answered gently.

"It's not an effort you should have to make." Avon countered, wistfully stroking her cheek. "I have never really understood myself, I have not right to expect you to."

She leaned appreciatively into his touch, committing to memory his every move. "You certainly don't make it easy. It is useless to rage at what is. You do not understand yourself because you do not try. You try to understand that which you make others think you are. What you really are, you cannot accept because you refuse to see it."

"Rayna." He answered practically. "We have only a few hours, don't psychoanalyze me. It's been tried before and I'm afraid all my analysts were encouraged to commit suicide. Julian did not want me cured, he wanted me submissive. He did not get it, but I doubt he ever gave up. I am glad he did not get a chance to try with Kai. The boy has had enough hard things in his life, he did not need my father making it worse for him. Julian has a gift for making people miserable."

"I thought you did not want to be introspective." She chided gently. She took his face determinedly in her hands and kissed him, he did not complain in the least.

Eventually, Zen informed them that the Starfire had returned. The door opened and the twins spilled into the room followed by their pets. "Kai is back!" Alli announced gleefully.

Looking around the room, Rayvon noticed that their things had been packed up. As Avon got up to head for the flight deck, she reached out tentatively for his arm. He crouched to his knees so he could look her straight in the eye, asking her with unsteady and unsure signs. " _What is it?_ "

She looked up at him with wide and saddened eyes. " _I don't want to go._ " She responded, reaching up to put her arms around his neck. She hugged him briefly, then solunmly reached behind her for her tail. The tightly woven braid barely reached her waist. She took a porcelain and ruby rosebud that had been bound tightly in the braid and handed it to him. " _So you will not forget me. One day, if you come to visit us, I will show you my rose garden. I pick them every morning and wear them in my hair. I shall think of you each time I pick one._ "

Avon looked at her seriously for a moment. He knew the importance Felinians placed on the trinkets they lined their tails with and that to refuse it would be insulting. He placed it in the pocket of his jacket. " _I shall take it out every day and think of you in your garden, pretty one. Both of you._ " He added looking at Alli who was busily checking her own tail for something she was willing to part with. " _If I am ever near your systems, I shall come to see them, okay?_ "

Rayvon smiled brightly, nodding enthusiastically. Looking across the room to her mother, she could see the disappointing knowledge that such a thing would not come to pass, no matter how much she wanted it. Rayvon kissed his cheek, keeping deftly hidden her sadness as she would always, it came easier to her than it did to her mother or her brother. She watched downcast as he headed for the flight deck, turning to her mother as he disappeared quickly. *You know it is not to be, you always have.* Her mother soothed, reaching for her daughter compassionately.

Everyone watched from the flight deck as the Starfire came into range once more, pulling alongside the similar but more plainly adorned ship. The shuttle detached itself gracefully and docked.

Alarayna sighed imperceptible as Avon went to his quarters for something he left behind and the twins trotted off to the entry lock to wait for their brother. Wordlessly she headed for the airlock herself. Cally placed a hand on her arm as she headed for the stairs.

"Is he going to be okay?" She asked anxiously, not so much concerned for his physical health as she was for his unpredictable mental states.

Alarayna understood the intention of her question, she shrugged. "I've done all I can. Keep an eye on his electrolyte balance. As for the rest you need to remember the more his stress level rises, the more he will compensate for it. So far he tends toward the self-destructive path, but do not let yourself believe it will always be so. Eventually something has to give and he knows it. He will destroy whatever threatens him, it has always been that way. I fear he will hold onto reality until it is wrenched from him. After that, I don't know."

"That's comforting." Vila said mournfully.

The doctor looked at the assembled crew helplessly. "He's been determined to be what he is for a very long time and there is little he will let anyone do. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy that he is cursed. The best I can tell you is if you do not become a threat to him, he will leave you alone. The problem is, what constitutes a threat changes according to the circumstances. There is a lot that needs to be released and whether it will be directed at himself or at any of you, I cannot predict. I have no special insight because I can read him, it is often more confusing knowing what he is thinking, unless I suppose your a mathematician." She smiled sadly as she left. The crew looked at one another, dubiously.

Giareth strode through the airlock with long and graceful strides, his cloak flowing behind him. His keen eyes swept the room adjacent to the entry. He did not deign to notice Avon who watched him suspiciously. He noted with more interest the presence of the twins and their mother as he crossed the room to stand with his back against a bulkhead, one booted foot on the wall behind him. He tried to look as casual as possible while maintaining a position which gave him vantage of all entrances and exits and where he was within range of either a well-thrown knife or the reach of his whip of anyone in the room.

Kai had trailed behind him at a respectful distance. Two cadets followed him. He sent them silently to the girl's room for their things, approaching his mother with determination. He paused to place his hand palm to palm with hers, looking into her eyes. He sighed, smiling ironically. "As I thought." He commented shortly, turning to the girls who were clambering about his feet. He picked up Alli and then Rayvon, balancing one on either side of him.

"Rayvon talks with her hands now." Alli declared.

" _Da fixed a program to teach me sign language._ " Rayvon added enthusiastically.

*I shall endeavor to learn, little one.* Kai sent back with comfortable smile. *Now, go and see what I brought you.* He put them down as they scrambled for the entry, cubs following. He turned to his mother again. "They kept busy then?"

"Constantly." Alarayna said with smile. "This ship is just different enough for them to have to explore all of it. Rayvon says it sings a different song to her."

"If it were seemly, she'd be flying the thing." Kai said with a contemptuous look at Giareth. "I need you to go over and get them settled, we'll be leaving shortly."

"Are we in a hurry?" Alarayna asked.

"The Federation are always on the lookout for this ship, we can't afford to stay long or they will notice us. You go ahead, I'll just be a minute."

Dismissed yet again, Alarayna turned reluctantly, looking back at Giareth who, though casual, was obviously waiting for something to happen, there was a distinct edge to his eyes as he watched the room.

"Well, go on woman." Giareth commented briskly. "Get the children settled before they disrupt the thoughts of my cadets. Rayvon is in a mood to scratch what ever comes in range."

"She doesn't like to cage the cubs." Alarayna said defensively.

Giareth unfastened the whip from his shoulder and commenced tapping it restlessly against his palm. "It is better for the animals and that she learn to take orders gracefully. She needs to remember her place." He scowled.

"And you wonder why Alli will call you nothing but Commander." Alarayna retorted. She stopped quietly before Avon. She ran a hand lightly across his shoulders, noting the lines of tension in his forehead. "You could say goodbye." She said softly, resting her hand at the back of his neck suggestively.

Not really needing encouragement, he grabbed a hold of a fistful of firey curls and said warningly. "Your place, Rayna. Don't forget your place." He kissed her roughly, relaxing his hand to caress the back of her neck.

*Never my love.* She sent. Voice heavy with disappointment, the doctor turned for the entry, eyes fixed on the floor obediently. She added aloud. "Tell Cally if anything seem amiss, let her scan you at least once a week, Zen will forward the results to the main computers on Prime."

Avon watched her leave without comment, knowing himself it was improbable he would see her again soon and fighting his own desire to memorize her every nuance. As he reached into his pocket to retrieve the data tape he wanted to give to Giareth, his hand brushed the rosebud that lay there paradoxically in the dark where he had banished thoughts of its owner to. He handed the tape resolutely to Giareth, who considered it with curious greed. "Orac assures me Kai will be able to install the program onto your main computers. Orac had a very specific list of situations under which circumstances it will shut down immediately, send a message to your ship and not respond to anyone but Kai thereafter."

"In the event you are killed?" Giareth asked, studying Avon intently.

"Killed  **or**  captured. I have no delusions about what they will do with me. It is a very detailed list of contingencies, I do not think I have missed anything. I can also activate it manually."

"As long as you understand, she will consider it betrayal and I will have to force her to accept it. Also know that if you are captured and somehow manage to be freed, once I have solidified a link, it cannot be reversed." Giareth warned.

"It ceases to matter after I've been captured." Avon said resolutely.

With a final look at the disk, Giareth handed it to Kai.

Kai took it reluctantly, turning angrily to Avon. "What makes you think I want to be involved in this? It will do you no good. She cannot betray you and she won't, dead or not." He paced a nervous circle around Avon, Giareth watched without comment as he growled in annoyance. "I know what's bothering you, ever since you found out about me." Kai said contemptuously. "You can no longer occupy your own universe all  **alone! It took you a while to figure out we are not going to disappear, no matter what distance you put between us. You can't control us, you can't dictate how we feel."** Silently, the Star Commander warned him of the futility of such an argument. Kai was furious and he did not care if it made any difference, he knew it would not, but he wanted Avon to know that however hard he tried to distance himself, he would make an impact on their lives nonetheless, they would feel his pain even through the walls around it. They were a part of him whether he liked it or not. Kai would study the program and make adjustments to it to suit him. He gathered his frustration and turned to leave. "Just remember, you  **shall not destroy her,** I  **will**  destroy you first!"

Dayna and Cally, standing in the corridor that lead to the flight deck, looked at one another wordlessly. Dayna said congenially as Kai and Giareth headed back through the entry. "Goodbye Kai."

Kai looked back momentarily catching Cally's eyes. *Don't try anymore, Auron. It will do no good. He is lost to himself, he just doesn't know it yet. When he figures it out, the walls will leave him and he will be truly alone and you will not be able to stop him from destroying himself, just remember it's not your fault.* He called back to his father obligingly. "I'll have the systems installed as soon as possible."

Sealing the port airlock doors manually, Avon could feel the other ship disengage. He headed silently for the flight deck, ignoring the curious looks from the girls. He headed for his console briskly, watching the screen silently as the brightly painted Starfire pulled back slightly before in one seamless move rolling effortlessly over the Liberator while swallowing the shuttle easily. As the ship came about to the other side, it disappeared from view presumably as it sped off. Without comment or pause, Avon switched over to their original course. In an effort to keep down the chatter and idle observations of Alarayna and the twins, Avon turned to Vila.

"Vila, Orac tells me you devised a plan to fatally occupy Ultraword's logical systems. Why don't you tell me about it?"

Though things could never return to normal as there was no normal aboard the ship, the did become as close to it as was possible. For some reason, it took longer for Avon to reset his priorities, but he managed to find a way, reflecting on his own words. 'Sometimes one's friends can be more of a liability than one's enemies.'


End file.
